His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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