one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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