Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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