people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
