i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
