Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
