I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
