If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
