i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
