thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
we're making bets on your personal life
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How does one acquire holy water?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
