I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
