boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
