And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
