I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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