We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
