She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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