just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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