I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
