just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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