things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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