a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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