my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
