Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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