Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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