life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
