i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
nutella sex= disaster
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
