The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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