Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
