About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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