considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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