Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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