On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
barbara walters just said penis...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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