I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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