im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
