Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
