IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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