never play flip cup with pint glasses
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Pooping to opera.
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