Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
