I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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