I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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