make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
