I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
