Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
