that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
