god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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