I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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