I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
