apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
