Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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