I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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