I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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