If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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