Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
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I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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