I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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