Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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