My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My bed smells like the plague
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
