If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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