the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
