shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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